Bad Day For a Sex Offender

NORTHVILLE TOWNSHIP, Mich. — Residents along a cul-de-sac told police they saw a small fire near the spot where the burned and beheaded body of a convicted sex offender was found.

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This smacked ass was guilty of criminal sexual abuse to minor between the ages of 13 - 17. And, according to NSOPR, "Offender has failed to maintain accurate registration records as required by law."

Hugs and Drugs: Both are Banned in Prattville, Alabama High School

"We are trying to educate our children in the very best way we know how and that includes some training in socialization skills," said Sam McGowen, the superintendent of the Mascoutah Community Unit School District No. 19.

Sam, as you may have already guessed, is a moron. Likewise, I'm sure all of us can recall an experience or two in high school that in today's world is frowned upon because a few parents with their panties in a knot felt could destroy their child's life.

So just to make sure I understand - handing out free condoms at school is good, but hugging is bad.

Jon Stewart: He's The Man

When I first heard that Jon Stewart would be taking over the chair at The Daily Show, I was very happy for him. I've been a fan of his since the Mtv days - and who could forget him in Half Baked. "Ever look at the back of a $20 bill - on weed?"

This morning, I read this:
Stewart Will Keep Striking 'Daily' Writers Afloat

If the writers strike fails, it won't be on account of Jon Stewart.

In a show of solidarity with his fellow scribes, the Daily Show host has told his writing staff that he will cover all their salaries for the next two weeks, according to a well-placed source. He has also vowed to do the same for writers on The Colbert Report. A Comedy Central spokesman referred my inquiry about this to Stewart's personal publicist, who has yet to respond.

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Carl Jr: The Portobello Mushroom Six Dollar Burger

At first viewing, I thought this commercial was a spoof. It was during Saturday Night Live, so it stands to reason that one would think that. But now that I know it's a real product, I can honestly say that it is, and with great certainty, the most disgusting "burger" I've ever seen. Appetizing? No. Stomach turning sickness feeling? Yes.

Total Calories: 960

Carbohydrates: 53g

Protein: 42g

Fat: 64g

Saturated Fat: 25g

Cholesterol: 140mg

Sodium: 1770mg

Want to try it? Click here for a coupon.

Barack Obama on SNL

Of the many reasons to choose Barack Obama as the candidate of choice is the fact that he's the only one who can be human. I'd like to see another Presidential candidate with a real chance of winning do this:

Michael Jackson's Thriller